A Mother’s Day Reflection: On the Mothers We Have, the Mothers We Lost, and the Women Who Mother Without Children

Mother’s Day is not simple for everyone.

For some of us, it is a day of brunches and flowers and easy gratitude. For others, it is a day we get through. I belong to the second group now.

My mother died of COVID in Brazil in 2020. I could not fly home. I could not say goodbye. I could not be there for her cremation. There was no last conversation to hold onto, no hand to hold, no ceremony to grieve through. Just the void and the images I created in my mind as to what it would be if I were there. Her smile, her voice and her love are what I hold on to.

My husband lost his mother a year and a half ago, two days after his birthday in December. She lived a long and full life, and still her absence, even though I only knew her for 3 years, is its own particular grief. His birthday and her passing now share the same week, the way grief and love so often share the same calendar. There is no age at which losing your mother stops mattering.

I have learned that we are not alone in this. Many of us carry a Mother’s Day that aches more than it celebrates. The friend whose mother passed last year. The woman whose mother is still living but emotionally unreachable. The daughter estranged from a mother she could not safely stay close to. The woman who longed to become a mother and never did, whether by circumstance, by loss, or by a body that did not cooperate. The woman who chose not to have children and still gets asked, every single May, why. I can relate.

Mother’s Day, for many, tugs at our hearts for various reasons.

The Mothers We Become for Each Other

What I have come to believe, since my mother passed, is that mothering is wider than biology. I say that because in my case I was adopted and never knew my biological mother.

A caring soul who shows up when life and the future is uncertain. An aunt who remembers your favorite meal. A sister, by blood or by choice, who tells you the truth when no one else will. A mentor who saw something in you before you saw it in yourself. A neighbor who has watched your children grow. A woman without children of her own who has poured years of love into nieces, nephews, godchildren, students, and strangers.

These mother. Faithfully, and often without recognition.

This Mother’s Day, I want to honor them. The mothers who are with us. The mothers we have lost. The women who mother without ever being called Mom. All of us deserve to be seen.

How I Am Caring for Myself This Mother’s Day

Grief has a way of teaching you, eventually, that the body needs tending too. That you cannot pour from a body that is depleted. That self-care is not indulgence, it is how we keep showing up for the people who still need us.

This year, as Mother’s Day approaches, I am turning some of that care inward, as I reflect on turning 60, the circle of life as our daughter is now in college and more independent and how important it is to pour into myself and know it is okay. Self-care is self-love.

I am grateful to have found products which help me take good care of myself, especially at this stage of my life. Brain Health, Heart Heath, Gut Health, all personalized and test-based. Zinzino BalanceOil+ for omega-3 balance, and ZinoBiotic+ for gut support. They are part of my daily ritual. I take them not because I am chasing perfection, but because I want the second half of my life to feel like I am empowered to live my best life.

There is something powerful about doing small, faithful things for your own body. Especially in seasons when grief is close to the surface. Especially as we age. Especially on the days that ache and always, just because.

A Heartfelt Invitation

If Mother’s Day is a hard day for you this year, I want you to know you are not alone. We can grieve and celebrate in the same breath. You can light a candle for the mother you lost and still send flowers to the friend who has been mothering her own family beautifully. You can make peace with the table being wider than the holiday tells you it is.

Whatever shape your Mother’s Day takes, I hope you find a small way to tend to yourself.

The women in our lives, the ones with us, the ones we have lost, the ones who never became mothers but mothered anyway, would all want that for you.

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